


Self Control

by Emptylester (timelordangel)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drinking, Friends With Benefits, Lust, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Pining, slight non-con on phil's part, very typical they only mess around when drunk but one catches feelings, weird dynamic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:10:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8169542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelordangel/pseuds/Emptylester
Summary: About two years ago, back in 2014, they had both stumbled home drunk and Dan had slurred, leaning against the kitchen door, “Do you ever think about the fact we’ve had sex with each other?”Phil had paused before admitting, “Yeah, occasionally.” “So it doesn’t really change anything if we were to do it again, right?” Dan had all but purred, climbing into Phil’s lap as if nothing had changed but the flat.





	

It’s always about cereal, isn’t it?

Dan is drunk in Chris’s flat with about thirty of their closest friends and he’s alone in the kitchen eating cornflakes out of the box with his hands.

He’s on his back with his legs up on the side of the counter and he’s too wasted to be thinking about how dirty this floor might be, or how this is a great way to accidentally choke on food. The party has been winding down for the past hour and he's almost positive nobody misses him as he spends his absence staring blankly at the kitchen ceiling. 

He misses winter; the cool tile reminds him it’s the end of summer as it touches his hipbone where his shirt has ridden up. He laughs out loud and it surprises him to hear his own voice. God, he's drunk as hell.

He is more surprised when a human appears in the kitchen doorway and he doesn’t even need to look up to know it’s Phil. 

They’d separate to mingle with other people, but eventually they’d be pulled together once again. Like tides, or ships, or cling film. Like something, Dan figures. The alcohol swims in his head and he pats the floor beside him, a silent offer for Phil to sit.

Phil sits, crossing his legs and leaning back against the dishwasher. He’s drunk as well; his hair is messed across his forehead and his cheeks are red. 

“What time’s it?” Dan says, and then burst into laughter for no apparent reason. He sets the box down and pushes himself into a sitting position, awkwardly crossing his legs to copy Phil. They’re leaning against the same counter, shoulders inches apart.

“Adventure time?” Phil grins, shrugging. “Maybe one. Or two.” 

Dan groans, but continues smiling, “We have things to do, you know, tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Tomorrow.” Phil leans his shoulder against Dan’s and they go still for a second.

Phil’s got a kind of light inside of him that pours over everyone he touches. Dan feels bathed in it currently and he’s overwhelmingly grateful on the cold tile of the kitchen.

“So everyone is probably asleep.” Dan muses, his eyes closing.

“Yeah.” Phil laughs a little. “We’re too old for this.”

“Only 25.” 

“Thirty, about.” Phil corrects him.

Dan opens his eyes and looks at Phil softly, taking in his face. “You’re pretty.”

Phil flushes more and shakes his head, “Not like you.”

“Are you happy?” Dan sighs, and his voice is slurred slightly with liqueur and exhaustion. 

“Yeah.” Phil says after a moment, thinking. “Are you?”

They’re just friends, but sometimes the lines get blurry. 

“Yeah. We have a good life.” Dan smiles back, linking his hand with Phil’s. 

Phil freezes up a little bit, the way he does whenever Dan tries to be intimate with him. He always relaxes into his touch eventually, but for a few minutes Dan feels like he’s holding hands with a boulder. 

“I’m thirty. Holy shit.” Phil breathes, a delayed reaction. 

“Almost. It’s not January-“

“Hey guys.” Chris walks into the kitchen and Phil yanks his hand out of Dan’s. 

“Hey.” Phil replies, running the hand through his hair.

“There’s an air mattress in the lounge for you guys; Peej and Sophie took the couch.” Chris pours water into a cup, swaying a little.

“Thanks.” Dan nods, pulling himself off the floor with the aid of the countertop. 

Chris leaves without a glance back and Dan and Phil kind of just look at one another. Dan holds out a hand to help Phil up and Phil just uses the counter, avoiding eye contact with Dan.

“Are you okay?” Dan asks suddenly, his voice too loud in the small room.

“I’m fine.” Phil gives an unconvincing smile.

“Ready for bed?” Dan presses his lips together.

“Yeah.” 

They walk together to the lounge, Dan flipping off the lights as they go. He hates that he knows why Phil’s acting this way. His apprehension stems from their shaky past of touching each other whenever they get drunk- only to never mention it in the morning. 

This time, they’re not alone, or in their house, and Dan’s way more drunk than Phil.

It’s a combination that will kill them.

That and this twin sized air mattress. 

“A bit small.” Phil whispers into the darkness as not to wake Peej and Sophie.

The air mattress is barely six feet long and Dan almost laughs when he imagines trying to fit on it with Phil. He’s not upset- he loves to cuddle and sleep with his face tucked into somebody’s neck- but he fakes it for Phil’s sake.

“Maybe I’ll go find somewhere else to sleep.” Phil gives a closed-mouth grimace.

“I’d offer but I’m drunk a-f and I’m not about that life.” Dan shrugs, kneeling down before crawling onto the squishy surface. 

Phil doesn’t move as Dan gets comfy and Dan hopes to god that Phil is watching him, changing his mind. It lasts for a brief moment before Phil’s footsteps signal his departure and Dan’s left alone with his thoughts- and a sleeping PJ and Sophie five feet away.

It’s too quiet and Dan’s not remotely tired. He still feels drunk and vaguely horny in the lonely darkness of the lounge. He wishes Phil would come back.

As if his wish was being answered, Phil walks back into the lounge and drops to his knees. 

“Dan?” Phil whispers and it’s soft and warm. 

“Mm?” Dan pretends like he was on the verge of sleep, his fingers grasped in the blanket wrapped around him.

“There wasn’t anywhere else. Can I join you?”

“Of course.” Dan hums, ignoring the way his heart stutters in his chest. 

“Thanks.” Phil climbs in beside him and they’re pressed flush together with no room left over.

It feels a bit like they’re on a life raft in the middle of the ocean at night; the ceiling above them is the pitch-black sky. It’s this, this very moment, which defines everything that they are. Not the book, not their YouTube channels, not their flat. It’s just this moment of the lingering situational irony that dumped them onto this stupid tiny air mattress in the middle of Chris’ flat. If Dan wasn’t still drunk he’s probably be freaking out.

Isn’t it just the truth that everything you avoid will come back to you over and over again until it’s pressed into your back at three am?

Phil struggles with where to put his hands before finally resting his left arm behind his head and his right on Dan’s hip. 

It’s a little awkward, but mostly okay. They smell like one another and they fit together well; giant puzzle pieces in a two-piece jigsaw. 

All at once Dan feels very alive and desperate. The tension he feels radiating in the non-existent space between him and Phil is suddenly far too much and he wants so badly he can’t control himself as he turns around in Phil’s arms to face him. 

“Phil.” He breathes, their faces so close Dan can see the blue in Phil’s eyes even in the dark. 

“Dan.” Phil echoes, Dan’s name gentle in his voice.

Dan licks his lips before leaning forward and kissing Phil on the lips. And oh god, it feels like coming home.

“Dan.” Phil says again after Dan pulls back.

“Very well spoken tonight, you are.” Dan rolls his eyes, putting his left hand on Phil’s hip. 

“I- I’m not drunk enough for this.” Phil admits with bated breath, but he doesn’t sound irritated. 

“Why do you need to be drunk?” Dan murmurs, kissing the corner of Phil’s mouth.

“Because it’s weird if we’re not.” Phil whispers, but leans closer to Dan.

“It doesn’t mean anything.” Dan says, but it’s a lie. 

Dan knows it’s a lie. They both know it’s a lie. The goddamn pigeons cooing in the dead of night know it’s a lie. 

But Phil just sighs and leans in to kiss Dan, letting go of the last of his inhibitions in order to just relax and enjoy the experience. Isn’t that what he always does? The darkness lingers and rests on their exposed backs, pushing them closer together.

When they first met, they were properly dating for about six months until Phil broke things off, but they stayed friends. About two years ago, back in 2014, they had both stumbled home drunk and Dan had slurred, leaning against the kitchen door, “Do you ever think about the fact we’ve had sex with each other?”

Phil had paused before admitting, “Yeah, occasionally.” 

“So it doesn’t really change anything if we were to do it again, right?” Dan had all but purred, climbing into Phil’s lap as if nothing had changed but the flat.

Phil had shrugged, dissolving into the warm touches and familiar lips from so many years before; they both hadn’t discussed it afterwards when they woke up naked under the same duvet. Since then, it had happened about every other time they were drunk around each other, sometimes just kissing and sometimes way more.

Now, on a small air mattress in the middle of their friend’s lounge with a couple asleep five feet away, they’re making out once again. 

Phil gives soft kisses that he peppers on the edges of Dan’s lips and on his jaw line, while Dan favours open-mouthed kisses with tongue. It’s an even mix of both and leaves them panting and desperate. 

Dan, mid-kiss, hastily unbuttons Phil’s jeans and pushes his way past Phil’s boxers, taking his semi-soft dick into his hand.

“This okay?” Dan whispers, only to be shushed by Phil.

Phil bites Dan’s lip as Dan tugs at him slowly, “Yeah.” He says eventually, his breath hushed. 

Dan pushes Phil’s fringe out of his eyes and kisses his forehead, and Phil’s breath catches. Dan wonders why this always happens when he tries to be any level of intimate. 

For a second he wants to just be held, to bury himself in Phil’s arms and inhale the soft, minty scent he’s gotten accustomed to over the years. He’s not even hard yet, just needy in twenty different ways. Phil seems to sense the hesitation and tilts his head, looking at Dan with concerned eyes. 

“You okay?” Phil whispers, putting a hand on Dan’s jaw.

“Yeah.” Dan lies. He climbs over Phil and sits on his lap, frowning at the way the bed dips and moves beneath them. Someone shifts on the couch and they both glance over in a brief moment of panic. 

“They’re still asle-“ Phil begins, but he’s cut off when Dan takes Phil’s dick in his hand and gives it a long, hard stroke. 

“Shhh,” Dan leans down to shush Phil with a kiss. Alcohol swims in his head and he lingers too long on Phil’s lips.

Phil closes his eyes and bucks his hips up into Dan’s touch, a whimper escaping his mouth as Dan pulls away.

“I’ll finish you off but then can you just,” Dan hesitates, his voice low and strained for a reason he can’t place, “Hold me?”

Phil opens his eyes and sighs uncomfortably. “Dan.” He whispers, and it’s not angry or harsh but it’s tired and Dan understands that, he does.

“I’m plastered,” Dan lies, making excuses for the desire that’s overwhelming his chest and making it hard to focus, “Just. I miss being held, it’s not you.”

Lies.

“I don’t-“ Phil starts and Dan almost wants to cry. He’s just sitting on Phil’s lap twisting his hands together and dying to be held. 

“You don’t have to.”

“Yeah maybe that’s not the best idea?” Dan can’t tell if Phil’s voice is terrified or guilty or both and it scares the shit out of him.

At this moment Sophie sits up on the couch and scratches at her arm, looking over at Dan and Phil with a confused face. “You guys s’alright?” She mumbles, still drunk.

“Yeah, just can’t get situated.” Dan laughs, his voice too loud as he nervously climbs off Phil and lies down beside him. 

“Yeah, Peej is all up in my space.” Sophie laughs, buying the lie. She lies back down soon enough and Dan and Phil are shock-still next to one another.

Without Dan to cover it, Phil’s erection is obvious and Dan just keeps staring and staring. 

“I’ll help?” Dan whispers, putting a hand on Phil’s thigh.

“I’ll do it. You can watch or whatever, I don’t care.” Phil shrugs and reaches his hand into his trousers and wanks himself off; his eyes close the same way they do when Dan does it. But he doesn’t make any noise and it’s nearing the end too soon. 

“You’ll make a mess.” Dan hums when Phil’s breathing gets erratic. 

Phil pauses, considering the situation, but before he can respond Dan leans over and takes Phil’s dick entirely into his mouth, sucking slightly. Phil about moans but catches himself and the noise comes out like a purr.

Dan hums around Phil’s cock and it’s only a few more seconds before Phil comes against the back of Dan’s throat and he swallows it all while letting Phil thrust into his mouth. When it’s said and done Dan pulls back and wipes his lips on the sleeves of his Sad Boys t-shirt, giving Phil a small smile. 

“Thanks.” Phil murmurs, unable to make eye contact with Dan.

They lie beside each other and atone for their sins in silence. Dan’s overwhelmed; the darkness is suffocating and his mouth tastes like semen. He wants to kiss Phil, but he doesn’t. He wants to tell Phil that they should talk about this, but he doesn’t.

He wants Phil, but he shouldn’t.

“I think we need to stop doing this.” Phil speaks after what seems like ages have passed.

Dan almost gets angry. Phil didn’t even offer to help Dan out, or do anything this time. Before it’s always been mutual, but tonight it was far too one sided for Phil to go through with it and then retract their situation.

“Suit yourself.” Dan shrugs, even in the darkness, “I probably can find someone else willing to fuck me when I’m drunk.”

“Why are you upset?” Phil asks.

“I’m not.” Dan refutes instantly, all lies.

“You’re my best friend and I don’t want to fuck that up,” Phil reaches for Dan’s hand and gives it a squeeze, “I think one of us wants more.”

“I don’t.” Dan ignores his heart breaking, “I think you’re overthinking this.”

“Just, let’s not do this again. Please.” Phil presses his lips in a hard line the way he does when he’s done talking about something. “Last time, come here.” 

Phil motions for Dan to move closer, which puts them flush against each other again. Dan doesn’t say anything as Phil unbuttons Dan’s jeans and wraps long fingers around his cock. 

Dan thrusts into the touches and after half of hour of being hard it’s difficult not to cum too quickly, especially being semi-drunk still. “Fuck.” He breathes.

“Come for me, Dan.” Phil murmurs against Dan’s neck and Dan wonders how the fuck Phil can go from nice and polite to this Phil in bed and he wants Phil to suck him off so badly.

“I-“ Dan gasps, covering his mouth with his hand, “S-say it again.” 

“What do you mean?” Phil asks softly as he continues pulling slowly at Dan.

“Tell me to-ah-“

Phil smirks, “Go on then, come for me, Dan. Come in my mouth, so nobody finds out. Stay quiet.” Phil licks down Dan’s length then after removing his hand and Dan whimpers too loudly. 

“F-fuck.” Dan feels Phil’s mouth around his cock and he’s close, so close, and then he’s coming hard into Phil’s mouth and he can’t control his hips.

Phil cleans him off with his tongue and then tucks Dan back into his jeans and lies down on the pillow again. They stare at each other again.

“I like it more when I can be loud.” Dan laughs.

“Me too, but that was nice.” Phil smiles.

“It was.”

They fall asleep on the tiny ass air mattress and the next morning nobody says a word- but Dan and Phil know they should talk about it with each other sober.

And what might come of that conversation, neither man knows.


End file.
